One of the most understated facts is that women are sexual—highly sexual—and this holds true even for many women who identify as asexual (often after getting married and having kids) or report a complete loss of sexual desire. In my practice as an intimacy coach, I routinely interact with women who reach out to me with stressful concerns such as: I do not feel desire, but my husband wants it, or I do not like sex—is there something wrong with me?, or Sex is painful and I cannot allow myself to have it.
Their partners, though initially and for a long time after the sexless spell has started, are supportive and understanding. But over time, many lose their cool and either demand a divorce or shut down emotionally as well as physically.
I realised it’s so easy to dismiss a woman’s sexuality as absent or dysfunctional and write her off. Further, most mental health professionals and doctors in India lack the right information and don’t know how to delve into a woman’s sexual psyche. Yet they keep firing bullets—read: assumptions, shallow tips, and tricks—in vain.
I thus decided to write on how women’s sexuality impacts her relationships, and how female sexual desire and intimacy coaching are intricately linked.
She Cannot Talk Openly Because of Sexual Shame
So many women are embarrassed—too embarrassed to communicate to their partner what they want, what they need, what’s happening with their body, what they’re enjoying, what they’re not enjoying—all of it. And so, women sometimes become resentful with their partner, angry and frustrated. Their partner is left in the dark thinking, Well, I just want to have a good time, but ends up with a disgruntled, distant partner.
ALSO READ: Your partner doesn’t want to have sex? Here’s what is libido mismatch and how you can tackle it
Of course, nobody can read your mind. And with something as sensitive as sex, it becomes even more difficult. Many women feel that their partner should know instinctively: If you love me and understand me, you should know what I want. You should know how I feel. But that’s just not true. Getting women to open up and talk about things is essential. Communication is important.
A Woman’s Own Sexual Discovery
But before that can happen, the woman has to know herself sexually. Because of socialization, culture, religion, and just plain old embarrassment, many women don’t know their own bodies.
Some of the sex coaching that I do involves talking to a woman and helping her identify what happens when she’s aroused:
- How does that feel?
- Does it make her uncomfortable?
- Can she communicate to her partner what a turn-on is and what a turn-off is?
The woman has to know herself sexually. (Representational Image/Pexewls)
That’s basic communication. That’s first. That’s primary. That’s something I always enquire about. In our intimacy coaching sessions, we can really assist a client in opening up more about getting to know themselves sexually—what they like and what they don’t like.
And the fact is, I’ve had many women clients who have experienced painful sex. That’s something that doesn’t get talked about a lot. But around 25% of all sexually active women will experience pain with intercourse—either because of endometriosis, painful periods, or the way sex is attempted. It could be so many things that cause intercourse to be uncomfortable or painful. And because of this embarrassment, many women don’t communicate this to their partner.
And it gets perpetuated—until the woman shuts down and doesn’t want to engage sexually at all. She’ll make excuses for why she doesn’t want to have sex. But really, there is something going on, and she’s not communicating that to her partner.
Dirty Perception of Sex
So many women come to my coaching practice stating:
- I don’t get sex.
- I don’t know why we have it.
- I don’t know why I need to have it.
- I think sex is gross. It’s messy. It’s dirty. It’s smelly.
So we go into an open conversation about that:
- Why do you think it’s gross?
- Where did you learn it was gross?
- What value do you assign to having sex?
- Why do you think it’s important? It shouldn’t be important just because your partner wants it.
- If you don’t think it’s important, why not?
- And if you don’t think it’s important and you’re in a sexual relationship, what are you going to do about that?
ALSO READ: Think you know female pleasure? These 3 myths might be ruining your sex life
You have to figure it out. And it’s not one easy answer. You can get into dilemma and doubt. And this is where working with an intimacy coach helps—to navigate your bedroom life issues.
Lack of Understanding of Female Sexual Desire
A lot of women get worried that they don’t have mental thoughts to have sex, while their husbands do. But that’s not how the female sexual desire model works. Women typically have responsive desire—meaning, it is only when physical intimacy gets kickstarted that they start feeling sexual arousal and mental thoughts like: Hmm, I am liking this… what is happening?
If you’re a woman reading this, think: have you ever had sex when you weren’t even thinking about it, but you were playing around, kissing, caressing—and then you went ahead, engaged sexually, had a good experience, and later thought: Why don’t we do this more often?
So, you know—getting away from the idea that you have to be thinking about sex in order to have good sex—that can be really important in terms of understanding desire differences between men (who have proactive or spontaneous desire) and women (who have reactive or responsive sexual desire).
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution. But what’s clear is this: Female sexual desire and intimacy coaching are deeply intertwined. When women are given a safe space to explore their sexuality, understand their body, and communicate openly, they not only heal old wounds—but often find new strength and connection in their relationships.
